To encourage our son's natural inclination for climbing, we decided to build a treehouse from scratch in our backyard. So with our imaginations wandering wonderfully and our bodies willing to put our back into it, we went to work. We knew that we couldn't do it all at once, so we gave ourselves time to consider each step of construction. What materials do we need? Do we have all of the tools? When will the weather cooperate? What will we do in the time we've got? And very important - will we have enough time to recover from all of the manual labor that we are unaccustomed to!!!
As we went along, I was really proud of us. We were on an adventure - learning new skills, working together as husband and wife in a new project, and investing in our son's passion and joy in life. Until, my emotional need to be right, to be correct, to have it all together came bubbling up. It caused havoc with my sleep. I was waking up worrying about every detail. What would my earthly father think of us when we chose the wrong materials? What would people think if they knew that we had to redo steps? Especially for those that know that I'm an engineer. What is God thinking about me, now that I'm seeing the reality that I didn't actually "count the cost" of building a treehouse? Am I a disappointment? Am I a disappointment to everyone? Will they love me, or look down on me for my missteps? Will God still love me in the midst of all of these failings? Am I still valuable?
What a quick and devastating spiral. And honestly - some what uprising to me that I'd go there. I've been on a journey spanning over 15 years that has been focused on inner healing. Specifically dealing with ungodly beliefs that contradict the word of God and that separate me from intimacy with God. So why now? Why this deep? Why so overwhelming?
I woke up this morning not knowing how to proceed. How am I to be violent towards this ungodly belief running rampant in my heart, while I'm weak and crumpled inside? So I told Him - " God I don't know how to overcome." And then I proceeded in the way that He has trained me. Reading resources that have ministered to my unbelieving heart before, allowing them to speak the words that I couldn't say; pointing out the thinking that was getting in the way. And then the Holy Spirit brought to my remembrance this worship song - I Am No Victim Written by Kristene DiMarco, Seth Mosley, and Tony Brown.
Here are the lyrics that spoke to me:
I am no victim
I live with a vision
I’m covered by the force of love
Covered in my Savior’s blood
I am no orphan
I’m not a poor man
The Kingdom’s now become my own
And with the King I’ve found a home
I am who He says I am
He is who He says He is
I’m defined by all His promises
Shaped by every word He says
My heart sang for joy as my spirit joined with the Holy Spirit. I am who He says I am, He is who He says He is....and He says that I am loved. I am loved. And I need to be expanded to "comprehend what is the breadth and length and height and depth the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge" (paraphrased Eph 3:17-18). So my shout today is expand me!
Drown me in your love Father
Consume me with your passion
Wash/scrub/disinfect/dissolve the fear of rejection